The Nationwide Emergency Alert System Test
Wow, I feel so much safer now.
The first ever test of our national alert system happened on November 9th, 2011. It was supposed to be broadcast over every TV channel and radio station in the entire United States. I was waiting to see how this would pan out. It was an abysmal failure. Over my local Charter cable system I received a small measure of success on ONE local TV network affiliate, CBS. A soap opera was on at the time and its video continued on-screen while the audio was interrupted for this: Emergency Test. 295k [Notice there is only about one second of actual spoken message.]
ABC, NBC, and about a dozen cable channels I checked, including TCM, AMC, Comedy Central, TBS, and FX, went on completely uninterrupted by this test. If this is the state of our national alert system, we're in fucking trouble. But then again, if 9/11 wasn't reason enough for The President to employ this system, whatever calamity DOES cause him to use it will probably fall on a nation of dead ears. And speaking of ears, the deaf would have had no clue, even if they had been watching CBS. The closed captioning continued following the soap video being shown on screen, with no mention of the test.
THE MEL FILES
Mel Gibson throws his little 2010 nutty on exgirlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. Mel sounds drunk (again), and it seems like Oksana has set this up pretty well to catch him, but ole Mel jumps in the trap with both feet anyway, even though he says right in the recording that he doesn't trust her. (Should have gone with those instincts, Mel). And I don't know who still liked him after the 2006 "Jew/Sugar Tits" incident, but this little screed should lose even those friends for him. This makes that Alec Baldwin phone rant seem like a walk in the park. Nice he offers to pay for his kid though. 480k
Round two of the Mel Gibson 2010 meltdown. In this lovely little drunken tirade, Mel tells Oksana that she "should just smile and blow me, because I deserve it." Mel is raving so hard he's panting and out of breath at times during this 7 and 1/2 minute clip. He says Oksana has a "dysfunctional cunt" (I think their baby would argue this point), needs a bat in the side of the head, and tells her how her friend wanted to suck him. He also threatens to bury her in a rose garden (well, at least it would it be a pretty location. That's thoughtful). When Oksana asks what kind of man punches a woman in the face when she is holding a baby, Mel hisses, "You fucking deserved it." But throughout all this vitriol he claims his spiritual superiority.
There are two sides to this story, of course, but I have little sympathy for Mel. He has been in the Hollywood elite for decades, with all the fame and hundreds of millions of dollars that come with it. He then leaves his wife of over 25 years and 7 kids to jack it all to get hammered, be a bigot, and shack up with a little piece of arm candy 15 years his junior. Even if everything he claims about her is true- What did he expect? On the up-side, he also mentions that he "bends over backwards with his balls in a knot", which I thought sounded rather impressive for a man of 54.
If he had any career left, this should end it. 1.9 megs
(Mr. Gibson, MEN DON'T HIT GIRLS! You're an asshole.)
I don't believe in organized religion, but I do find some of God's messengers downright amusing. There's this guy named Benny Hinn running a little God sideshow called the Benny Hinn Ministries. Benny whacks people on the head, which cures their cancer and makes their missing limbs grow back. Nice guy. Apparently, lots of people buy that shit too, because they give him a lot of money for that show. Here, Benny explains how he'd like to pop a cap in someone's ass.
God's machine gun 32k
On December 31st, 1989, Benny did some prognostication for the upcoming 1990's. OOPS!
The Spirit tells Benny-boy that Fidel Castro will die. Swing-and-a-miss, strike one 66k
The Lord tells Benny that in '94 or '95 (Apparently, The Lord was kind of vague)
the entire homosexual community in America will be destroyed. Swing-and-a-miss, strike two 132k
His wife Suzanne takes the stage and does her act as well. A serious nut-job in her own right, Mrs. Hinn actually said this onstage in front of a huge congregation, and it went out over the airwaves to Hinntites everywhere. The video of this instance of insanity is freely available on the Web. She sounds winded, but it's only because she's worn herself out walking back and forth. At the end of all this nonsense she throws herself to the ground and rolls around like she has rabies or something, which, for all I know, she does (it would explain a lot). If anyone is offended by this file, don't blame me. Talk to the con artists at the Benny Hinn Ministries.
Colonics for Christ 222k
Jerry Falwell & Pat Robertson blame the 9/11 attacks on the ACLU, feminists, and other Americans. 115k Gee, and all this time I've been blaming Muslim terrorists.
On Monday, 9/22/05, Pat Robertson announced on his nutbag religious show, The 700 Club, that the United States should send in covert operatives and assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. After a huge international uproar, Pat announced on his Wednesday show that his words had been taken out of context and that he never said anything of the kind. YES HE DID! Here is the audio from his Monday show. You tell me, does this sound out of context to you? Of course, assassinating foreign leaders is against U.S. law, but Pat goes on to say that killing Chavez shouldn't effect shipments of oil from Venezuela. Well, I guess that makes it O.K. for Pat, but I wonder what version of the Bible he's been smoking.
I find it very disturbing that someone who vents his conservative political agenda so openly can gain tax-free status as well by presenting himself as a man of God. He's just Rush Limbaugh with a Bible in his pocket. What's truly frightening is that thousands of stupid Americans listen to and believe this shithead.
If God does exist, Pat Robertson will go straight to Hell! 197k
I love this one. This is a clip featuring Pastor Arnold Murray, of the Shepherd's Chapel church. During the broadcast, someone obviously arrives off camera and yells "Blasphemy!" Sounds of a struggle can be heard as well. Pastor Arnold brings his finger across his throat to try and cut taping, but before they can cut away, the good pastor whips open his briefcase, pulls out a pistol and......... Well, just give a listen.
No cheek turning here. This is pure Old Testament stuff. Don't ask me what happened to the boy. This clip goes right up to the end of the broadcast and I know nothing of what happened afterward. The Pastor's packing heat! 46k
This is Dr. Fred Price preaching at the Ever Increasing Faith Ministries in California. Here he explains how good Christian kids should deal with drug dealers in their neighborhoods.
Smash their heads with a brick 39k Kids, if you want to live very long, don't actually try this.
Dennis Miller gives his two cents on televangelists. Channel 666 85k
On 5/18/07, Bill Maher commented on the death of Jerry Falwell and gave some new ideas to gays on how to gain acceptance. This is from Maher's show, Real Time, during the end show segment called New Rules, and I think this was the funniest segment this year.
Hey, you're kneeling anyway. 1Meg
Donald Duck in a very UN-Disney moment................................... sombitch.wav 39k
This is a parody of D. Duck receiving, uh....pleasure................ blowduck.wav 218k
In the interest of equal time, here is how Joe Friday really feels about pot. I have not played with this quote. It is a straight clip from a 1968 episode of Dragnet. It's dated and stand-alone funny.
Marijuana is bad 28k
I don't usually post sound files submitted by my site visitors, but one of them passed me this little gem and I couldn't ignore it. It's John Wayne, speaking to college ROTC students (possibly at UCLA). There were a lot of college protests over the Vietnam war back in the '60's, and John was a staunch conservative. Too bad too, because he could have really used some Tootski before this mess. This speech clip is amazing because Wayne is completely hammered! Just drunk off his ass. He can't even get his name right.
Ride those words, cowboy! 555k
Here is the brown acid warning from Woodstock. Most of the stage announcements were done by Chip Monck, John Morris, Wavy Gravy or Muskrat, so it's probably one of them. It may never be known since most of the people there were toast. I wasn't at Woodstock, but I did have some brown blotter in the mid 70's. It was truly a most foul ride.
Brown Acid 132k
If you haven't heard, the Beatniks beat the Hippies to the Cool-pool by a long shot. In the early 50's, Daddy's and Kitty's were swinging wide their pages. The Beatnik Top-Cat was Lord Buckley. He grooved the cuts and pasted the pages. Have no idea what I'm talking about? Then pass up this file. It's for Hip Cats only. From 1951, here's The Word, from Lord B. himself.
Knock me your lobes 65k
Here's Mike Wallace, doing the same thing Turn on, drop out. 22k
This amusing file is a stuffy, educational explanation on the proper usage of the word Fuck. What the fuck? 591k
Limbaugh again. The first voice you hear is a caller to his show trying to say that what our soldiers did to the abused Iraqi prisoners was wrong, but Rush cuts him off and offers his own take on the issue. I have not digitally played with this one. This is an unedited clip from his show on 5/4/04. Amazing.
Having a good time. 106k
And while we are on the subject of conservative Republicans spewing ridiculous vitriol, I couldn't pass up this little nugget from Bill O'Reilly. I don't listen much to pundits on either end of the political spectrum, but lately, it sure seems like it's the conservatives that have the largest bullpen of insane blow-bags. For background, Bill, a FOX Nazi, has a little feud going on with Keith Olbermann, who cranks his spit-pump over at MSNBC. During the call-in portion of Bill's dog and pony radio show, a caller mentioned Keith by name. Bill cut the caller off, said he was turning the matter over to FOX security, who, in turn, were going to contact the caller's local authorities to get the guy.
Most likely, he was getting a call from someone who just likes to piss Bill off by mentioning Keith. I don't know if Bill thought that maybe Bush would have the guy hustled off to Guantanamo Bay or what, but I don't think the U.S. Constitution has been totally thrown out -- yet. Bill, a very disturbed man (who likes to talk to unwilling women about his sexual preferences) seemingly was just having another one of his little mental "episodes." Funny stuff though!
You're in big trouble, mister......NOT! 230k
On the 3/14/06 episode of The Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert interviewed Olbermann about the above incident, among other things. Keith took the opportunity to fire one back across O'Reilly's bow. O'Reilly is an idiot. 462k
Gary Coleman tried his luck making money by sexing up the ladies with a 1-900 number. Next day -- Off to security guard school! I don't know why this wasn't a success. He mentions the two things that turn women on most, video games and the pan flute.
Gary Coleman, sex machine. 214k
Coleman again, being oh so seductive. Choo-choo! 155k
David Brinkley loses his mind, just for a moment, during his 1996 election coverage. David rattles on. 116k
Here's Casey Kasem, making Brinkley look like an amateur. Kasem goes nuts. 50k
Tom Brokaw, being interviewed about his "parties." Throw dope on the table. 230k
This file is an Internet classic. It's a 911 call from a guy that's not too bright. He's just been attacked by a deer and a dog, and the dog has him trapped in a phone booth. Funny stuff.
I need a Bambulance! 317k
When homosexuality and stupidity collide, you get Armageddon 630k
(Probably the most humorous file I offer. I defy anybody to listen to it and not laugh)
President George W. Bush, from his press conference on May 16th, 2007.
I look forward to blowing up America. 7k
Ever the polite statesman and classy representative of the United States, President Bush drops a shit bomb on Tony Blair with cameras rolling at the G8 summit in Russia. July 17th, 2006.
That's our George! 147k
President G.W. Bush got a Bachelors degree at Yale and an MBA from Harvard, yet English is beyond his grasp! July 8th, 2002.
No malfeance, just a complex transixtion. 138k
President Bush speaks to John & Jane Citizen. Oct. 19th, 2000. Just a common man of the people. 59k
You think this Bush administration is not Fascist? Check George W. in 2000. I'm the dictator. 27k
President Bush tries three times to pronounce Abu Ghraib, and almost gets it that last time. Abu something 94k
United States President George W.Bush, Aug. 5th, 2004. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Uh, OK, Mr. President 28k
Women who visit OB/GYN's are really going to appreciate this. "Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their, their love with women all across this country." (Love With A Speculum. That was a song by Devo, right?)
-- President George W. Bush, on malpractice insurance. September 6, 2004. Say what???? 35k
A rare, candid moment. -- President George W. Bush, May 24, 2005. Catapulting the propaganda. 48k
President Bush garners some unintentional laughs through his command of English-- Dec. 14, 2004. The Queens in George. 85k
Oh, please, NO! President Bush tells a crowd that the government doesn't love us.-- March 20, 2006. Not a loving organization. 33k
The man with the silver foot in his mouth. -- President George W. Bush. Another bungled speech 85k
President Bush shows off his Yale education, May 31, 2005. Educating the nation 117k
President Bush gives us another Yale (or perhaps Romper Room) moment. Defining sovereignty 75k
Yes, folks, he's the leader of the free world. A little frightening, isn't it? Got to protect those power pants. 87k
Bill Clinton and Dan Quayle speak. You tell me which one is high.
This is our teflon Prez, Ronald Reagan, making what he thought was a joke, into what he thought was a dead mic. Obviously the mic was not dead, and the Russians, if you'll recall, were not amused.
Ron and Nancy Reagan. You've heard all their speeches, or have you? My love of parody knows no bounds, and here are Ron and Nancy as you've never heard them before on the issue of drugs. Funny? You bet, but get it now before the Secret Service comes to drag my ass off to jail.
Al Gore has a brain fart and imagines he created the Internet. algore.wav 38k
So, you thought Al Gore was the epitome of a dull, lifeless politician? (O.K., he does make the Dean's list.) But hop into the "way-back" machine and give a listen to a Republican offering from the Vietnam era. Here is the charisma-free Spiro T. Agnew 263k
For those that don't know, South Park started when a couple of Colorado boys made a dirty, five minute cartoon about Jesus and Santa fighting for control of Christmas. They passed that tape among their friends and it found its way into a southern California VCR. It became popular with some Hollywood celebs. Some producer thought that, if cleaned up, the cartoon would make good TV. The rest is known.
Well, some disgruntled employee put the original, unedited, South Park pilot on the Tiger Woods 99 Playstation CD. Once discovered, the CD's were recalled, but many of the originals are still sitting on rental store shelves. To view the cartoon, place the CD in your computer and run the zzdummy.dat file with your Media Player. Here is a small sound clip from that cartoon, with none of that nasty TV editing. South Park X-posed 154k
12/10/08--This little ditty was just brought to my attention by an alert listener out there living amongst the crazier on-line music. This is a Swedish band called The Cardigans. In 1996, they released an album that contained a cover version of Black Sabbath's 1970's hit, Iron Man. The first time I listened to this, I had to wait quite a few seconds to make sure I hadn't clicked on the wrong song. The artistic butchery involved here is absolutely criminal, but I have an affection for these kind of jaw-dropping musical monsters. For your edification, here are The Cardigans with Iron Man 1.1 Meg
On 6/16/06, Connie Chung and Maury Povich had their MSNBC show canceled due to poor ratings. Connie took the opportunity to sing Thanks For The Memories with some new lyrics. She meant it as a joke, but it is more frightening than funny.
I don't know what William Shatner was thinking about when he recorded this album in 1968, but he should have been thinking about something else. If you have the stomach for it, here is a clip of Bill attempting Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. ..... shatner.wav 266k
Captain Kirk again. This time, mangling Tambourine Man....... tamshat.wav 489k
I snagged this from Bill's rendition of Elton John's Rocket Man, which he sang(?) at the 1978 Sci-Fi Film Awards. The song is just horrid. The audience applauds at the end, but I think they were just grateful that Bill shut his mouth. If you want some punishment, HERE IT IS. 637k
Spock followed his Captain here too by releasing an audio bomb of his own. This is Leonard Nimoy doing a terrible injustice to Proud Mary.
Nimoy again...I, uh.......This is just so bad. The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins 551k
Bill Cosby butchers The Beatles. Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band 550k
Mae West, who was WAY past her expiration date at this point, gargles The Beatles. Day Tripper 643k
Cathy Berberian gives us Operatic Beatles. (What?) I Want To Hold Your Hand 441k
Florence Foster Jenkins. Speaking of Opera singing, or rather, the inability to do so, Florence was convinced she was the best Opera singer around in the 1920's - 1940's. She actually appeared once at Carnegie Hall in 1944. Apparently her concerts were well attended by those that were just astounded that she would sing in front of a crowd. She wrote off the laughter in the audience as coming from other singers who were jealous of her huge talents. Just listen to the poor pianist try to keep pace with her astonishing lack of tempo. Incredibly bad, she died a month after her Carnegie appearance fully believing that there had never been a better singer. She was wrong. Very, very wrong. Here is Flo taking Mozart out for a ride. Queen Of The Night Aria 305k
For those not familiar with the piece, here is a snippet of how it is supposed to sound (believe it or not). Much better 183k
Glass Prism puts Poe's "The Raven" to music. (It's certainly an oddity, but I like this one.) The Raven 942k
Claudia Wheeler. Not much doubt about what horn she's talking about here. Little Boy Blue 510k
Tony Bennett hammers another Beatles tune. Eleanor Rigby 855k
Milton Berle tries turning a Beatles song into a comedy routine, with little success. Yellow Submarine 668k
Paul Anka. In a truly civilized world, men in their 60's wouldn't sing about teen spirit. This is really creepy. I mean industrial-strength, Michael Jackson creepy. This one is very hard to listen to all the way through. If Cobain were still alive, this Muzak version of his song would have killed him. Smells Like Teen Spirit 640k
Goldie Hawn. She's beautiful, but we could have done without this. I'll Be Your Baby Tonight 709k
The Nashville Country Singers. Apparently, nobody in this group could find the lyrics to this song. It's very strange, and "Proud Mary" is never mentioned once. Maybe country singers had better drugs than the rockers back then.
Proud Mary 691k
Here is one reason The Brady Bunch got cancelled. Love Me Do 266k
Durwood Douche. The gal on this track has a lovely voice. Everybody's Fucking But Me 919k
Durwood Douche again. I Can't Keep My Mitts Off Your Tits 415k
Tammy Faye Bakker. Back in the 1980's, the Christian zealots went ape-shit and started cannibalizing each other. As an agnostic, I found it very amusing. Here, Tammy Faye records her version of events from that time. Turn the other cheek, folks.
The Ballad Of Jim And Tammy 727k
Homer & Jethro. This is a well named country-idiot duo doing some Beatles bashing. I Want To Hold Your Hand 175k
American Standard. The Company that has provided toilets to America since 1948. Here is a 1960's jingle that tells us "she can cream and dream" in the bathroom. I don't know what that means, of course, but she seems mighty happy to be in the bathroom.
My Bathroom Is My Special Place 492k
Joe Pesci jumps on the Beatles-bashing bandwagon. I've Got To Get You Into My Life 320k
Lucia Pamela. What a star. Walk On The Moon 293k
Mary Schneider. An Australian yodels a classic. Overture 373k
Mrs. Miller. She actually sang on the old Steve Allen show. (Why does everyone do this to The Beatles?) A Hard Days Night 306k
Pat Boone. Smoke On The Water 347k
Petty Booka. This Japanese duo rips it up with Ukuleles. These Boots Were Made For Walkin' 234k
There is actually a Japanese girl rock band that's pretty good. If interested, check my 184.108.40.206's page. They've sure got The Shaggs beat (below).
The Shaggs. This is a girl band (sisters, actually) from the U.S. These gals couldn't find a tune if they got hit by a music truck. One of Frank Zappa's favorite bands. 'Course, Frank was kinda strange.
My Pal Foot Foot 599k
The Shaggs again. Things I Wonder 244k
Paul McCartney got into a pissing match with the BBC, claiming that they were banning a recently released song by his late wife, Linda. The BBC claims they aren't playing the song only because it sounds like crap. I have to go with the BBC on this one. Here is a clip of Linda trying to sing backup on Paul's Hey Jude, before being electronically "cleaned up."
For the true masochist; Heeeeere's Linda! Linda Raw 170k
In case you missed the Chinese Rock & Roll giants "The Dragons", here is a clip from their 1982 blockbuster album "Parfums De La Revolution." Released by the country that has always defined rock innovation, France, this Chinese group is going to pile-drive over western rock like a giant eggroll. This is a clip of their cover version of The Stones "Get Off Of My Cloud." But The Dragons are a Rock & Roll powerhouse! They've updated Mick's limp lyrics to be more cutting edge, more in-your-face. Sure, some folks say that inept phonetic English is the cause, but, "No!", I say. Where Mick just sings, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud", the musical genius behind The Dragons gives us-
Face it people, China is taking Rock & Roll by the short-hairs and giving a good yank. Thank you, France.
Kinison 3 82k Sam used to be an actual Preacher. This sermon excerpt is from 1975.
Kinison 4 285k An unedited love song from 1987. Do you get the feeling that Sam was a little bitter?
Kinison 5 560k Kinison gives us the ABC's of cunnilingus.
Kinison 6 499k Sam really hated Dr. Ruth, and here's why.
Kinison 7 822k Kinison on condoms. How much do guys hate them? (This clip is from the mid-eighties, before AIDS got huge.)
Kinison 8 1.13megs Pretty lesbians. Oh, guys just hate to see that, but there are lessons to be learned.
Kinison 9 1meg It was tough to be Jesus, and would have been tougher were He married.
Kinison 10 867k Sam vents about drinking & driving, and the evils of drugs.
Kinison 11 454k Kinison, on the hazards of getting drunk/passing out in front of friends.
Kinison 12 583k Hell has nothing for you once you've been married.
Kinison 13 854k Riffing on The Pope.
Kinison 14 433k Sam is not impressed that Manson was inspired to kill by listening to The Beatles.
Kinison 15 544k Kinison attempts to make even the SICKEST thing funny. That's right, homosexual necrophilia.